Shared this with my Amazon group and thought it would make a decent blog post to try and explain some things...
I'll be honest, it's getting harder and harder and I don't even know why sometimes. Feel in such a rut and can't convince myself to just let go and try and do things differently and hope for something to change and make things work better.... keep knowing I need to go to bed earlier, to try and get up earlier to be on time for work but got stuck in such a routine that even the thought of trying something different is so hard.
I look back to all the times that I struggled the last few years and what it was that brought me out into a better routine (I can pin point Nov 2020, late Jan 2021 and then this new year) and the answer seems more complicated than simple... a few times recently I've thought maybe the change is coming, that tomorrow I'll feel better and maybe if I just go with it things will be great, it's almost happened a few times.... but then I just get no sleep, or stay up too long or have broken sleep or just flat out convince myself that it's dangerous to just go along with it.
Work are really good, my colleague Gemma is a really good soundboard to help when I'm struggling and even though HR have now noticed and questioned that I've not been in work before 9am (due to various issues with sleep and figuring out a routine in the morning) since early 2021 bar a few days (likely when I've had to make my own way to work rather than a lift so therefore had to force a change in routine); we've had a long chat and they are amazing and are now trying to at least work alongside me to try and figure it out and how we can make it work and sort something that works even if it is just getting me back on track and on time at the moment.
I do acknowledge that a lot of this can begin with my Aspergers, that the idea of routine changing can be terrifying but I feel for so many years I've been a shining example of how to fight against this and manage... my weekly routine even now can change at points and I manage quite well, but it's usually the evenings where I do different things which is another thing, I love to be busy but I rarely allow myself to be at home that long; maybe it's just because I know being busy helps to distract when it can, and if I was just at home I'd overthink things and get restless or it's just knowing I can get out there and do so many fun things and live life when I can.
But I'll be behind on so much TV as I'll just watch stuff when I get home before bed and sometimes even then I'll fall asleep first... and then wake up and go to bed late for some broken sleep. Last night I was wide awake for ages watching telly, and I thought maybe I could go to sleep earlier now while I'm awake, I felt alright in that moment but I just stayed awake till my usual late time and then had broken sleep due to maybe dreams not sure what it was.
Maybe I attribute not liking being at home too much due to all the isolation we did the last few years, or it's just the idea of getting out and seeing friends and doing things that make me happy.... work itself has been a crutch for a long time, especially during pandemic and lockdown... something to do every day and a place to go and spend days doing work and keeping distracted.
There were times I'd panic that I didn't have enough to do during the day to keep myself occupied which then led to the days work building up to a lot to do in the afternoon... work has gotten much busier now with things opening up and such, but even then we're now split between a few of us so we each have stuff to do but sometimes it's not enough to keep me distracted throughout the day though at least I have Gemma and Vanessa to chat to about things.
So there will be days where someone is off and I have more to do and those days go quicker because I'm doing more work, but then I can get behind on other things but I also miss people when they're off too so it's lonelier... and we've now moved to a much smaller and stuffier building which can feel a bit boring too depending on the day or just plain like being boxed in a corner to a degree... it works much better than I thought it would but it would certainly explain more why it can feel a struggle too. I do really like my job though and the people I've met along the way so don't really want to move on because there's lots of security blankets in place of how understanding they are and the comfort I have in that flexible routine so going somewhere else wouldn't have that at all most likely and why would I want to do something else? I am wondering whether at some point a change in role would be a thing but there's a lot more to that too, but it would be something I'm very good at and keeps me busier
Apart from the fact that almost most things I do now in terms of house, work and other stuff reminds me of so much stuff over the past two years but I need to learn to manage... it's not a case of changing every single thing so it doesn't feel repetitive being in the same house and job as when I was struggling.... because not every day can feel different and new and exciting when everything is the same but I don't know what I can do about that apart from cope
Apologies for the long post and ramblings, just wanted to try and put words out there and in a safe space... to try and make sense of something, even if it makes absolutely no sense. I just can't figure out how I can't help myself to just get on with it and feel good....
Even now I think there's probably even more to it....
